He just used the C Word

Since I was 13 years old (I’m now 25) I have had problems with my ovaries. An 18 synometer cyst was removed right after I turned 14 another smaller cyst was removed when I was 15. A few years later I suffered from bad cramps and constant pain. Many test later we thought we had this under control. Yet here I am again, back and forth with the doctors praying that they can give me an answer on what the hell my body is doing.

They had told me when I was 18 that I produced to many eggs. Which then latch on to my ovaries and take permanent residency? This is not only painful but annoying. It screws with my cycle and a woman should not have to tolerate this pain they are put in for the one week a month let alone an extended period of time.

Last September, I started having pain again. Along with the pain came emotions that I could not describe. I was sad and angry and could not for the life of me figure out why. The doctors after another round of test diagnosed me with PMDD. Pre Menstrual Depression Disorder. I mean really like you don’t have enough to worry about but now my cycle is screwing with my emotions.

In early April my cycle became so screwed up again more test were ordered. This time we find that another fabulous cyst has developed. I thought I was done with this? Could this be happening again? We decided that the cyst was not big enough to operate on and that we would continue monitoring it. Then in November something happened. I felt something was wrong with my body. A follow up test shows that not only has the cyst grown since June’s test, but there is also a spot on my uterus. Then came the word “cancer.”

On January 7^th four days before my 25^th Birthday the doctor said the word cancer to me and I lost it. Everything he said after it seemed foggy. They are checking the spot to make sure there are no cancer cells. I’m 24 years old, this can’t be right. I want to have kids I want to raise a family with or with out a man by my side. I made the decision along time ago that I didn’t need a man to be a mother and if my life didn’t take on marriage I would still have a family. But there I sat as he went over the probability of it being nothing or worst case scenario the C word.

He discussed the steps we needed to take to ensure that we got my health back in order. MRI, possible surgery, could be nothing, could be something.

On January 10^th I went for an MRI. Which I pray I never have to do again. I was not allowed to move for an hour as the shoved me in a tube that made loud noises as it took pictures of my insides. Violating much? YES. I understand that doctors need to give worse case explanations but that word is not something I ever wanted to here.

I am now sitting on this for a week. Waiting for the results – Waiting to see if I need surgery. Waiting to see what the hell is wrong with me. If it’s not the C word, what is it? Will this keep happening forever? Will it effect me having kids?

Though I feel old – I am so young. I am sick of being sick. Sick of pain and sick of being stuck with needles. I wish they would just tell me what’s wrong and fix it already.

I just want my results. I want answers. My nerves are shot, I’m not sleeping, and I’m scared shitless.

Last week I cried in my mothers arms that I don’t want to be sick anymore. She started crying, which, did not make it any easier. To boot since we got this news, they have become very protective. Where are you going? How are you feeling? I want to bang my head up against a wall.

So until the results come back, I’m a wreck on the inside. Among other life events this just adds to the craziness known as Danielle’s Life. I’m trying to be so brave and come across like I have it all together, but I’m not. I want to break down and cry, but I have no tears in me. I can’t even cry.

Why thank you for involving me anyways.

Is there any one out there who legitimately says I don’t want you to get involved and means it. Anytime that line is followed by but you are involving the person.

I have two girlfriends who used to be best friends. However, come what may they no longer speak. This break between them has taken its toll on me to say the least as I feel as though my parents split up and I am indirectly asked on occasion to pick sides.

Girls Nights out have become limited to me bouncing between one set of friends back and forth trying to accommodate everyone and can I just tell you it is a royal pain in the ass. Seriously ladies we are old enough to be over the high school were not talking because so and so said what…. Suck it up and deal with it. Being stuck in a room for 4 hours to celebrate a mutual friends birthday is not going to kill you.

Yet, you don’t want me involved in the mess that has been created equally on both sides. Point taken, I don’t want to be involved. But Hello, you are missing my Birthday (which I am having a hard enough time coming to terms with, 25 is not easy) because your afraid there might be some he said she said crap.

Lets hope i never get married – cause if someone responded no to my wedding – I would be pissed!!!!
Thank you all for being STUPID CHEESE HEADS and directly effecting me in your battles.

Another year come and gone….

Today I write with mixed emotions. There seems to be a storm cloud which is stuck over my head. There is some higher power telling me that things just wont happen. Something inside of me has broken and I am not quite sure how to fix it.

If you would have asked me a few months ago that I would be ending 2008 on this note, I would have laughed and said good things don’t necessarily come my way.

2008 has held some highs and lows. More so lows in my head, that or the good just isn’t really sticking out to me right now.

In October someone from my past came back. I never in a million years would have thought I would talk to him. In essence I thought he died. Then out of no where here he is and here I am and I have no idea where I stand. I find myself happy with him 90% of the time and wanting to run the other 10. The whole thing makes no sense to me. I can’t understand it. I can’t try to comprehend it. Even with the disappointment I can’t let myself feel much. There are nights when I want to sit and cry but I’ve learned over time that crying makes me weak. I would rather not feel anything then show emotion. I’ve had so many heart breaks that this time I promised myself I would not fall, but then I wonder if I have already. Have I fallen for a guy who most likely has no feelings for me besides that of being friends. The mixed signals I get don’t help.

I’m lost and I just want to find my way back to the person I am. I want things to be good for me as a whole. The past few years I have put my heart and soul into my job because I was the only thing that made me feel accomplished. After awhile that has worn off. I find myself thinking I should have taken the chance and went to New York, I should have explored different options. I should have a plan. Instead I still live at home, and ass deep in debt and trying to find ways to save money which does not seem to be working for me.

I think my goal for 2009 will be to save money. Really save. Pay off the debt and really get some money in the bank besides what’s already there. For example the savings account I had to buy my car that has now been helping me pay off medical bills.

My thoughts for now seem to be fading – I am hoping to write more tomorrow….. Until then

The Game – and Why I am not good at it.

 

 

Fairytales show us.  Boy Meets Girl, Boy and Girl Fall in love, something tries to break them apart, but they live happily ever after.  I would kill for a movie or book to tell me differently.  Give me something to relate to: Boy meets Girl, Girl falls for Boy, Boy sticks around, boy takes off, boy comes back (repeat four or five times) Girl finally tells boy to shove it (girl 2^nd guesses herself) and they live happily ever after alone or with someone else.

 

I have been referring to my current situation as “random.” I have also referred to it as “playing the game.”  The Game is something I am not good at.  The game in itself if complicated and confusing and I wish it never started.

 

A little over a month ago I received a friend request on MySpace (I know what your thinking, Stupid MySpace).  It took me about 15 minutes and a phone call to one of my best friends to figure out who the person was.  To my shock, it was a guy from high school that I have not seen or spoke to in 7+ years.  I accepted the request, thinking nothing further would come of this.  Fast forward one hour, NEW MESSAGE, which read something like this “it’s been so long, how have you been.”  Back and forth for 2 hours we caught up on some basic facts about each other.  The messaging continued for 4 days until the here is my number, we should hang out message filtered in.  MySpace messages became text messages.  A lot of them (enough that I had to up my messages from my cell phone service).  Each night I could count on a text – and hour conversation – and a good laugh. 

 

I still can’t comprehend the randomness of this whole situation, but for the first time in a long time, I find myself HAPPY.  Wow happy, that’s a word I usually don’t use.  Could it be something that could actually work.  I slow myself down.  Do not think into this. 

 

Attempt one to hang out failed.  He fell asleep.  Attempt two to hang out failed.  He just didn’t answer my last text.  I let it go and waited a few days to talk to him.  We talked we laughed and I didn’t bring it up.  Finally, he calls we talk we laugh again and decide that I should come watch him play hockey.  Agreed, insert random drama, I go to the game.  He looks the same, we seem to get along fine.  I get a text before I even get home about how good it was to seem me, how glad he is I came.  This goes on for an hour.  The next day the same thing and then it stops.  I give him some time, I reach out – phone conversation, a few texts and then we hit no replies.

 

Did I do something?  Was I to much?  Was I not enough? 

 

Playing the game is not something I am good at for one reason, I don’t get the rules.  If I guy reaches out to you for two weeks are the next two weeks on you.  How much do you do in return?  Do you play hard to get, what if he does not like to chase.  Do you give in, what if you’re too easy.

What are the restrictions?  Where do you draw the line? Why is this whole boy and girl thing so complicated?  The movies say it’s easy.  My experience shows differently.

 

So now here I am – An unanswered text message and the questions of how did it get to this point.  Why do people come in and out of our life?  Maybe we needed to cross paths again, maybe it was some joke that I am not getting the punch line to. 

 

It’s over for now, I know that.  I am also a fairly strong person, so this will not break me.  It does however make me wonder, if I ever find the person who started the GAME I would like to give them a nice slap of reality. 

 

YOUR GAME SUCKS. 

The Bitter Friend

The Bitter Friend         

 

There is one in every group. The bitter friend can be defined as the following:  The person who chooses to focus on their own triumphs and tribulations.  When the focus is taken off of them, they often find ways to make you see all that is wrong in your life.

 

Yes, the “Bitter Friend” is a label I never intend to have.  I could never take on this role simply because I can’t see how someone can not be happy for another person who is in their lives.  There in no good excuse to rain on someone’s parade. 

 

I have a friend in my life who has issues, which is a whole different blog.  These issues stem from a relationship gone bad (side note: find me a person who can’t give you a story or 2 about this topic).  I have done my best to be a good friend: listening, advising, and lending a shoulder to cry on.  Yet, I can’t get her past this hurdle in her life. 

 

I have hit the point where it is actually difficult to talk to this person, let alone go out with them on a Friday night for a few drinks.

 

Reason 1: The Bitter Friend Craves attention    

 

When you are in a bar the Bitter Friend is looking for someone to talk to.  They are looking for someone to pay full attention to them.  When the attention does not fall on them or they are not receiving it at all, they become miserable and need to relocate until the attention comes their way.  What ever happened to having a drink with your girl friends?  Maybe its just me but I don’t seek out men in a bar, if I find one so be it. 

 

Reason 2: The Bitter Friend is negative

 

I recently began talking to an old friend from high school (side note: I had a crush on him once upon a time).  Now I have no idea where this was/is going, but it felt nice.  I waited awhile to tell this person out of pure fear for myself.  I see know that I probably should have waiting longer.  I can’t bring up his name with out hearing the following:

 

-         what’s his deal.  Do you seriously think this could work? (I HAVE NO CLUE)

-         Your wasting time sitting around waiting for him. (I AM NOT WAITING, JUST TAKING IT ONE STEP AT A TIME).

-         He’s stupid he should just ask you out ( IT’S not like that!)

-         He doesn’t have a job – you don’t need that. (WAY TO BE THE JUDGE OF CHARACTER I WAS LOOKING FOR).

 

These comments have come out in one form or another.  It takes all of the positive things that are going through my head and literally throws me into the gutter.  Doubting my actions and my reasoning.  It’s a situation I am perfectly content with until I speak to the bitter friend.

 

Reason 3: ME ME ME

Have you ever talked to a friend that has no clue what is going on in your life, yet you know how many times they went to the bathroom in a four hour period.  Yes, the bitter friend will cut you off, will break you down, and will continue talking about themselves.  If you tell your friend you had a bad day, they should ask why?  The bitter friend will say the following:  You should come out with me, so your not sitting at home doing nothing and I need to get out.

 

You need to get out?  Excuse me, your not the only one going through life.  You are not the only one that has to get through the day. 

 

So in turn – sometimes you just need to remove yourself from the Bitter Friend.

 

 

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